How I Feel Today

Ann Free Spirit

I see most here do not know the meaning of what real fear is like,

when you know there is no one who can help you or stand by you.

And you know you can never get out of what is being done to you

and to your body and soul

and the only way out of the torment

and fear is to kill yourself so it all ends.

It is like a dark hole in which you feel trapped

and the more you try to climb out the

more you are pushed down, way down below so you see no light

and you try all ways of getting away from the dark but it is there,

so you know the only way out of this is to die

and you do not think of how,

where or when, because it just comes on you

and you do the first thing which you think of

and you think now I will be safe.

It is trying to get yourself safe and free from the pain

and the on going abuse

and sexual abuse happening to you

and you scream out for help

and no one comes

so you try to get some one to notice you,

some one to hear you and you know

that they do hear, but you seem to be not there with them.

You are in a hollow tube, you hear your voice

and you see them around you

but it is the never ending loneliness that you are here alone,

so you must try to get out of this abuse the best way you can.

You see them, you hear them,

but they are not there.

The only ones around you are those who are abusing

you, so you know you will never be safe,

you will never see a smile or a helping hand,

for you are alone

and you are there footstool for them

to do as they please with you.

So the only other thing for you to do is to do as they want you to do

and not think of anything, you let your mind go blank

and try to be some where else.

When I tried to kill myself at 12 years of age

and again at 19years old, all I thought of

was to be safe so no one could get near me, to harm me again.

I wanted for some one to hear me

and to take my hand, to help me.

Copyright@ 2003 Ann Thompson

All Rights Reserved